I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
