Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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