Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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