I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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