We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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