i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
