Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
