go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
