Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
