I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
