Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
