White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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