i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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