I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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