Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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