Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
