This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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