if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
