I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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