I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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