every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
