i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
