mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
