the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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