I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
