I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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