If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
