she woke up with a sticky ear
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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