I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
