He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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