you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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