I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
