we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
