someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
