My cat gives me a boner
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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