the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
