Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
