I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
