yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
