Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
