just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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