His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
