Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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