I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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