Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
