I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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