She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize