I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
