You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
