Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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