I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
4 words: hood of his car
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
