I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
this just has baby written all over it
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
