His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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