She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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