I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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