I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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