So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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