I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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