I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
